Day 80: The howling wind in my hollow heart

This howling wind beats at my door
It beats at my heart where my heart beats no more
Just the insistent stab that drives open this hole
This open chasm that keeps me from you
This space in my chest, this hollow soul.
And yet, this wind laughs.
Everything has gotten so cold
Can't seem to remember the days of summer
Come, please won't you remind me?
Or at least let me know you're chilled too when you're alone.
The way I am without you....right down to my bones.

long distance sucks
missing him, missing home.

Day 82: Why is it harder than before?

As, I mentioned in my last post, I've been feeling really disheartened by the bombings in Boston.  I started to wonder why I experienced this particular act of hatred so much more strongly than every other horrible thing that has happened in the world or is happening now....

I remember when 9/11 happened.  I was in high school.  Maybe I was insensitive, naive, cynical....but I didn't feel sad the way I do for what happened in Boston.

Maybe it's because there's no suspect....nobody for me to place my anger on....nobody to blame.  Maybe because the way it was done, how the bombs were created for maximum pain and destruction? Maybe it's because I have friends in Boston? Maybe it's because I'm here in Europe and I feel so helpless to aid those across the pond? I don't know for sure.

But somehow I think it's because for the first time in my life I'm thinking about having children of my own.  Maybe these things never affected me because well, it was just the world that I was living in....I guess everything does change when you have children....or want children in my case.  I guess this just isn't the type of world I would want to bring an innocent life into....

Perhaps I should just stop feeling helpless and start making the world a welcoming place for my future kids....question is:  "How can I do that by singing songs?"

Day 83: Some days are harder than others...

The world seems a little darker today...with the Boston Marathon Bombings on my mind, it hardly seems right that I should even sing.  How is it possible that one human can take the life of another?  No matter how I look at it, I just can't comprehend and it saddens my heart.  At a time like this it seems impossible to sing, to create art or to make something beautiful but perhaps that's exactly what needs to be done.  To love harder, to bring more joy, to create beauty....these are the only reasons I can think of for us, this sad human race, to continue existing.

Meeting the parents one day...freak-out free? Day 86

So my bf and I had a bit of a convo about what may go down when he meets my parents for the first time.  Admittedly, I got off easy on this one.  I was fortunate enough to have met his family before we got together, and because they are all amazing and I wasn't freaking out about it, I wasn't a complete ass.  Somehow it's different with Asian parents.  As far as Asian parents go, mine are pretty amazing and most of my Asian friends would consider them to be on the less conservative side, but this hasn't stopped my bf from worrying just a little bit about it.  So, as we do for all of life's problems, I google'd it....and I found a funny little list of tips.  I thought some of it was pretty spot on, but a lot of it wasn't really true.  The list probably helps to perpetuate the stereotype (and the fear that comes with meeting Asian parents) so I thought I'd give my take on it and help the bf out a little bit.

I found the list here...some of the items I thought were interesting were"

1.  don’t be a slob.
take a shower, iron your shirt, remove all piercings, cover all tattoos. (though once they accept you, none of this will matter.)

my take: True, showering is always a good thing.  Keep the piercings, keep the tattoos.  They are a part of you and tell a story.  It really doesn't matter in the end and with my dad's facebook stalking skills he already knows all about them....and probably the stories behind them too...

2. unless you’re married, you will NEVER sleep in the same room.

my take: yah, this one's pretty set in stone.

3. be ultra well mannered."yes, please" and "no, thank you." and never call her parents by their first names, even if they insist.

my take: This one's true...and besides my parents would never insist you call them by their first names...don't even try using "auntie" and "uncle", that's reserved for Asian friends only....I also think I should add "don't drop the f-bomb every other word..."

4.  learn to like fish sauce.
or at least tolerate asian food. a plus if you can use chopsticks.

my take: since my bf is a chef, we're good on this one....and I'm told he can pick up a grain of rice with chopsticks....very impressive...as long as he doesn't stab his dim sum...

5.  if going to dinner, always offer to pay.
actually, instead of offering to pay, go straight to the register and pay. parents want to know you can take care of their daughter.

my take: yes, probably a good idea, but my dad is a funny guy....he usually will take the bill, but just to play with your mind, he won't fight for it the first time...so only pick up the tab if you can really afford it.

6.  "for the love of god TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES when you enter their house." – mai
also make sure your socks don’t have holes. they’ll think you’re poor.

my take: taking off your shoes is a definite must, and your socks CANNOT have holes in it....not cause they'll think you're poor...but mostly cause they won't want you to ruin their hardwood floors...they're pretty serious about that one.

EXTRA ones especially for my parents:
- Don't talk about religion
- Do talk about yourself: your work, your passions and your values
- Do be honest...about yourself, your past and your hopes for the future
- Chill with my bro...he knows the side of me that nobody ever sees....if you can handle him, you can handle me

Basically, it's pretty simple with my parents. If my bf can show that he's making an effort to keep me happy, then we're golden....so far so good.

Self-discovery, love discovery: Day 93

Self-discovery

So, I've just finished taking an elective course at school called "Watching Music".  It was about music and visual art and their influences on each and the other.  In taking this course I felt the need to actually see the works of art instead of just the powerpoint projection of it.  This resulted in a visit to the Stedelijk Museum here in Amsterdam.  I had the thrill of seeing a Rothko and the work which captured my complete attention for a full 30 minutes: Barnett Newman's "Midnight Blue".  I was completely overcome with the power of the painting.  It was dynamic, yet completely still.  It was daunting yet drew me into it like an abyss.  It was midnight and twilight all at once. It made me question my existence and my own personal position with regard to the world around me.  Had I not taken this course, I would never have come to appreciate art in this way....Don't you love when you actually get something out of your education?  I learned so much and became so interested in art that I have started painting and drawing....and I've made a self-discovery.  I CAN draw more than stick-figures!  I have never before drawn or painted out of self-interest or for pleasure...but I think this is opening a whole new world of creativity for me.

Love-discovery

The man I love writes spoken word.  I didn't think it was possible, but I think I've actually found the perfect man.