The sketchy ones

Inevitably, when you casually mention to your friends that your are going to try dating online, you get the warnings about the weirdos that seem nice (and normal) at first, then they show their crazy.  I didn't think it was a big deal...it's harmless...just keep some distance and don't meet anyone you're uncomfortable with.  Makes sense right?  Well here's the thing, it's a lot harder to tell sketchy from normal when you're only communicating via text.  At least when you meet someone in person you can see the crazy in their eyes!  Not to worry.  I didn't get so far as meeting one of these....but it's interesting how they're all the same. They start off saying "hello how are you"....then they start sending pictures constantly....pictures of themselves in sunglasses mostly (so you can't see the crazy), pictures of themselves without shirts etc etc and ask you to do the same.  You would never ask someone to take their shirt off before asking their name!....would you?  Apparently many people do that sort of a thing.  Then there's the ones who tell you immediately about all the things they love about you....again, without even knowing your name.  So maybe I was mistaken and online dating isn't just like regular dating....Needless to say, after texting back and forth a couple of times, I stopped and never agreed to meeting any of those weirdos.

The Money Trap

So when I decided to give online dating a shot, I had no idea where to start and which site to use.  From the time I changed my  Facebook status to "single", I started to get ads constantly for matchmaking sites....(nice right?)....so I clicked on one.

I started to use this site and clicked here and there.....just exploring what online dating had to offer.....let me tell you this: online dating is just as dizzying and confusing as real life dating! The only difference is that you do it on a couch rather than at a bar.  It's the same process....Instead of checking out all the other people in a bar, you're browsing pictures....you're still wondering the same things...is this guy really who he says he is? Is he really single? Is he actually married!? Like anything else, people always put their best face forward...only a few are genuine and honest. 

And then there's this....Instead of paying for drinks at a bar......you're paying to communicate!  That's the money trap....I suppose everywhere someone has a chance to make a profit, it's gonna happen.  This is how one gets sucked in. You get to send one message for free, then afterwards, if you want to converse further than the first "hello", you need to pay! I had no clue this is what it was like!

So after receiving lots of "hey baby's" and "what's up's" and not being able to chat... i decided to just to reply with my number....

That's when you start getting texts from certain types of people.....stay tuned as i explore the different characters i meet along the way...."the sketchy ones, the persistent ones, the lonely ones and the one you'd like to meet".

Back to basics

All quiet on the blogging front lately....let me tell ya, this girl has been busy.

So, let's do a short recap.

Lived in Europe, was with a man (long distance) who I thought would be "it".....came back from Europe after a year to find that he had replaced me with someone else....What followed were devastatingly dark days of bed-ridden bawling, mixed in with alcohol and tossed with a side of self-pity, worthlessness and guilt....oh god.  Following this, was the godsend.  My family went to visit more of my family on the other side of the country.  There is definitely something about being with people who love you unconditionally (and who wouldn't dream of cheating) that makes the healing process go faster.  Not to mention the beautiful ocean air, the mountains and the physical distance I was able to have between he and I.  So here I am.  All is forgiven.  I've moved on.  It's a bit of a talent, or maybe an acquired skill at this point, how quickly I manage to just move on.  So the last time I shared....I had started online dating.  Just a bit of harmless chatting via text.....it felt pretty safe.  No harm in making new friends right?  Since I've been planning a move to Toronto, I really didn't think it would hurt to have one more friend in the city....well, it has been verrrry interesting.  More on that later.  Here's a sneak-peek of what's to come.

Online-dating Series:

-- The Money Trap

-- The Sketchy Ones

-- The Lonely Ones

-- The Persistent Ones

-- The One You'd Like To Meet

Trying to remember what's important

Thanks to my friend Daniel, for these wise wise words.....

Cause greatness can never be stopped
And music fills the soul of everyone
Never let anyone or anything come in your way
Do not be discouraged by naysayers or bitches!
Anyone who is on the same path should be most treasured
Cause without wonderful music in our lives
Everyday would just be so meaningless.

I'm looking for myself again....because I've lost my voice.  I sing from the heart and out of love....but my heart was broken.  So what's a girl to do?....Sing for the love of music.

Cure for a broken heart? Loving myself. 

What is love? Baby don't hurt me.

Evidence is gathering against the male species, at least those who take part in the practise of online dating...

I received a message from a stranger (and they're all strangers of course) saying "I love you"...um, based on 3 pictures and my dating profile that says "honesty is key, I've been burned too many times by cheaters and liars", this guy is going to start with "I love you"?!

I'm really starting to feel like my views on love may no longer be relevant.  The words seem to come so easily to people these days.  There seems to be fewer and fewer people who take care with what they say.  For me, "I love you" means forever.  Unless I'm sure I'm ready to dedicate that piece of my heart to someone for the rest of my life, I will not say it.  Although relationships have come and gone, if I have said "I love you" to a person, that piece of my heart belongs to them.

Question is, what happens when you've given your entire heart?

The experiment continues...

I feel like I should be starting a series of blogs about my nonline dating....I'm not interested in finding someone new at all...but I do want to understand men and the way they think and why the hell they say and do the things they do.  Maybe this is a good way to do it!? Doubtful....still, I received a chat request from someone who was very upfront about his situation.  He is "in a relationship but for some reason I'm looking for something on the side.  I don't know why. I know that sounds horrible"....WHY?! Why would a person do something they know is horrible, something they know is hurtful?  Sounds familiar, unfortunately.  I feel like being faithful in a relationship is a matter of respect.  Even in a friendship.  I would never make a plan with one friend, try to make a plan with another friend, then lie to the first friend about it....Is this a man thing? Or just a liar, cheat and a coward thing?

The social experiment

So, under recommendation and out of curiosity, I joined an online dating site.  I thought it would be a really interesting social experiment...Here's what I learned....

a. I'm definitely not ready to date (but I knew that already)
b. I'm not an ugly person
c. There are A LOT of men out there who want to get to know me, more than I can meet and many of them are ridiculously good looking....that being said
d. Physical attraction is definitely not my thing....no matter how handsome they are, I just can't like someone I don't know...

So I'm thinking maybe online dating isn't really going to be for me.  Well, who knows...what's your experience like?

1 Day left: It's the final countdown...

The day is here....just one last day of living in Europe and then I will finally return home...It's been an exciting and difficult road all at once. 
I have made so many discoveries about myself (isn't that why we North Americans head to Europe after all?).  Well, here's a quick summation:

-  I have made discoveries about people I loved (which have in essence made loving them impossible). 
-  I have realized that nothing is for certain. 
-  I have realized that it is possible to love with a broken heart. 
-  I have realized that just because someone knows something you don't, doesn't mean they're able to give you that information (it's about HOW things are taught, not WHAT is taught).
-  School is that last place one should go to get an education
-  I have always maintained that I am the luckiest girl in the world...and again it's proved to be true.  Everywhere I go, I am able to have the most meaningful new friendships.
-  I have become much more independent than I ever thought I could be and yet my family is still the most important to me.
-  I have accepted that being a singer comes with an expiry date...but have discovered that artistry does not
-  I have discovered that passion is like a flame, it needs feeding
-  Rules are made to be broken (unless someone gets hurt...then it's not worth it)
-  Sometimes giving someone else space is the best thing you can do for yourself
-  As free-spirited as I am...there is still a traditionalist in me (when it comes to love and romance)
-  Love knows no distance, disregards convenience and never considers time
-  Loving a person isn't a choice, committing to a person is....one can't regret loving, one can regret committing...or at least continuing to commit

Goodbye Amsterdam, it's been an adventurous 4 years.  I'm off to my next adventure.

Day 4: nervous hello...

Excited and nervous all at once
Afraid it won't be what it was once
Heightened and pulsing, every nerve on edge
Shortened and shallow, every difficult breath
The anticipation of those first words, knowing I'll have nothing to say...
knowing you'll try to talk the silence away.
I wish we could just let our bodies talk.
That I could whisper in kisses, and speak with a touch.
I'm no good at words!
Please promise me you won't make me speak.
But look long into my eyes and you'll hear what I say.

Day 45: Ever harder...

Tell me where I can pay the price.
I'd buy the days, the seconds of time
To build a bridge from here till then.
If I could shrink the time that lies between
There's nothing I wouldn't give to end this wait,
To return to that memory that fades too quick.
It seems I grab and it keeps slipping away.
A fog, a mist, a distant moment...
Which upon remembering
Makes every beat of this heart ache.

Day 60: Heavy

There are some days when the weight of sadness keeps me from getting out of bed.  And I can't count on anyone but myself to just get up.

Day 62: It's my birthday I can cry if I want to

It's actually my birthday.

I don't actually want to cry.

I don't actually want to celebrate it.

I do want to be alone.

The only people I really want to celebrate with aren't here.

On days like today I miss my family.

On days like today I miss my friends who are as close to me as family.

On days like today, and everyday, I miss my man.

Day 80: The howling wind in my hollow heart

This howling wind beats at my door
It beats at my heart where my heart beats no more
Just the insistent stab that drives open this hole
This open chasm that keeps me from you
This space in my chest, this hollow soul.
And yet, this wind laughs.
Everything has gotten so cold
Can't seem to remember the days of summer
Come, please won't you remind me?
Or at least let me know you're chilled too when you're alone.
The way I am without you....right down to my bones.

long distance sucks
missing him, missing home.

Day 82: Why is it harder than before?

As, I mentioned in my last post, I've been feeling really disheartened by the bombings in Boston.  I started to wonder why I experienced this particular act of hatred so much more strongly than every other horrible thing that has happened in the world or is happening now....

I remember when 9/11 happened.  I was in high school.  Maybe I was insensitive, naive, cynical....but I didn't feel sad the way I do for what happened in Boston.

Maybe it's because there's no suspect....nobody for me to place my anger on....nobody to blame.  Maybe because the way it was done, how the bombs were created for maximum pain and destruction? Maybe it's because I have friends in Boston? Maybe it's because I'm here in Europe and I feel so helpless to aid those across the pond? I don't know for sure.

But somehow I think it's because for the first time in my life I'm thinking about having children of my own.  Maybe these things never affected me because well, it was just the world that I was living in....I guess everything does change when you have children....or want children in my case.  I guess this just isn't the type of world I would want to bring an innocent life into....

Perhaps I should just stop feeling helpless and start making the world a welcoming place for my future kids....question is:  "How can I do that by singing songs?"

Day 83: Some days are harder than others...

The world seems a little darker today...with the Boston Marathon Bombings on my mind, it hardly seems right that I should even sing.  How is it possible that one human can take the life of another?  No matter how I look at it, I just can't comprehend and it saddens my heart.  At a time like this it seems impossible to sing, to create art or to make something beautiful but perhaps that's exactly what needs to be done.  To love harder, to bring more joy, to create beauty....these are the only reasons I can think of for us, this sad human race, to continue existing.

Meeting the parents one day...freak-out free? Day 86

So my bf and I had a bit of a convo about what may go down when he meets my parents for the first time.  Admittedly, I got off easy on this one.  I was fortunate enough to have met his family before we got together, and because they are all amazing and I wasn't freaking out about it, I wasn't a complete ass.  Somehow it's different with Asian parents.  As far as Asian parents go, mine are pretty amazing and most of my Asian friends would consider them to be on the less conservative side, but this hasn't stopped my bf from worrying just a little bit about it.  So, as we do for all of life's problems, I google'd it....and I found a funny little list of tips.  I thought some of it was pretty spot on, but a lot of it wasn't really true.  The list probably helps to perpetuate the stereotype (and the fear that comes with meeting Asian parents) so I thought I'd give my take on it and help the bf out a little bit.

I found the list here...some of the items I thought were interesting were"

1.  don’t be a slob.
take a shower, iron your shirt, remove all piercings, cover all tattoos. (though once they accept you, none of this will matter.)

my take: True, showering is always a good thing.  Keep the piercings, keep the tattoos.  They are a part of you and tell a story.  It really doesn't matter in the end and with my dad's facebook stalking skills he already knows all about them....and probably the stories behind them too...

2. unless you’re married, you will NEVER sleep in the same room.

my take: yah, this one's pretty set in stone.

3. be ultra well mannered."yes, please" and "no, thank you." and never call her parents by their first names, even if they insist.

my take: This one's true...and besides my parents would never insist you call them by their first names...don't even try using "auntie" and "uncle", that's reserved for Asian friends only....I also think I should add "don't drop the f-bomb every other word..."

4.  learn to like fish sauce.
or at least tolerate asian food. a plus if you can use chopsticks.

my take: since my bf is a chef, we're good on this one....and I'm told he can pick up a grain of rice with chopsticks....very impressive...as long as he doesn't stab his dim sum...

5.  if going to dinner, always offer to pay.
actually, instead of offering to pay, go straight to the register and pay. parents want to know you can take care of their daughter.

my take: yes, probably a good idea, but my dad is a funny guy....he usually will take the bill, but just to play with your mind, he won't fight for it the first time...so only pick up the tab if you can really afford it.

6.  "for the love of god TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES when you enter their house." – mai
also make sure your socks don’t have holes. they’ll think you’re poor.

my take: taking off your shoes is a definite must, and your socks CANNOT have holes in it....not cause they'll think you're poor...but mostly cause they won't want you to ruin their hardwood floors...they're pretty serious about that one.

EXTRA ones especially for my parents:
- Don't talk about religion
- Do talk about yourself: your work, your passions and your values
- Do be honest...about yourself, your past and your hopes for the future
- Chill with my bro...he knows the side of me that nobody ever sees....if you can handle him, you can handle me

Basically, it's pretty simple with my parents. If my bf can show that he's making an effort to keep me happy, then we're golden....so far so good.

Self-discovery, love discovery: Day 93

Self-discovery

So, I've just finished taking an elective course at school called "Watching Music".  It was about music and visual art and their influences on each and the other.  In taking this course I felt the need to actually see the works of art instead of just the powerpoint projection of it.  This resulted in a visit to the Stedelijk Museum here in Amsterdam.  I had the thrill of seeing a Rothko and the work which captured my complete attention for a full 30 minutes: Barnett Newman's "Midnight Blue".  I was completely overcome with the power of the painting.  It was dynamic, yet completely still.  It was daunting yet drew me into it like an abyss.  It was midnight and twilight all at once. It made me question my existence and my own personal position with regard to the world around me.  Had I not taken this course, I would never have come to appreciate art in this way....Don't you love when you actually get something out of your education?  I learned so much and became so interested in art that I have started painting and drawing....and I've made a self-discovery.  I CAN draw more than stick-figures!  I have never before drawn or painted out of self-interest or for pleasure...but I think this is opening a whole new world of creativity for me.

Love-discovery

The man I love writes spoken word.  I didn't think it was possible, but I think I've actually found the perfect man.

oh lawd: Day 99

So just cried like a blubbthering (not a word, but if I could describe my state, this does it perfectly) fool....I suppose those reunion videos hit a certain soft spot in my heart.  Which means all my attempts to harden it have not been working. 

This little gem is the culprit. 

I guess I envy the people in these videos because they have their reunion, and I haven't gotten mine.  And even when I do, it will just be awkward and like I'm reuniting with stranger.  It's weird. We talk often enough, this morning in fact.  And I make it a point to text everyday...and I spend every moment thinking about my bf and how great it will all be when we're finally together....yet when I do see him I'm just awkward.

Guess that's something to figure out in the next 99 days...more on that later

Let the countdown begin: 100 days

So, to anybody who reads this blog...you will already know that I am currently in a long distance relationship. The man I love is all the way in Canada, and I'm here in Europe trying to get some semblance of an education. I will be going back home in exactly 100 days.

For the entirety of our relationship, my bf and I have been in long distance. Our whole relationship has consisted of late night/early morning Skype calls with intermittent moments of perfection when we actually are physically in the same place.

Being away from each other has proven to be beneficial (or not, depending on how you look at it). I pretty much jumped from my previous (unhealthy) relationship into this one. So there wasn't a lot of time to fix or reassemble myself. And being in this long distance relationship really brings those issues to the forefront. So I've decided to make the best of this long distance "situation" and rediscover the things about me that I've lost along the way and maybe learn some new things too. ***DISCLAIMER: there will likely be cheesy, heart-breaking, totally horrible poetry along the way...

It's going to be a journey...and maybe I'll come out wiser and more able to love my man on the other side...if not, at least it's a welcome distraction from missing him...

The trials of long distance love are wearing me down...

I've said it before, I'll say it again. Long distance relationships are hard.... and it's starting to take a toll on me and I'm not sure how to make it easier...

I may have been slow getting to this place...
nobody said love was a race
But I'm feeling tired of my own desperation
I'm feeling exhausted by my longing for you
Here I am. I'm consumed by love.
The kind where want becomes need
The kind where a desire becomes exasperating desperation
How can I face another 3 months of this?
Without you, there's a hole in my heart
When I see you, it starts to rip apart
I should be an expert at this...
I used to be so good at the distance game
But nothing's the same when it comes to you
You have stopped, twisted, filled and taken my heart.
But I'm starting to forget the how and why...
Things I knew at the start.
Come back to me, back into my arms
Remind me why our future "we" is worth suffering for
All we have are words words words.
Repeated over and over, their meanings start to fade.
Even the power of an "I love you" starts to wane
Come save me from my doubting self
Before I drown in my tears.
Remind me what we're doing here
Make me fall in love again.