The always clichéd but necessary anti-consumerism Christmas (gasp!...oops holiday) post

So as I'm heading home for the holidays, and my plane is delayed, i suppose there's not time like now for some self-reflection.  What are the holidays about anyway....yes, everyone has made their statement about anti-consumerism....and while I whole heartily agree.....not everyone has offered an alternative. So, if consuming isn't what we should be doing, then what? My Christian upbringing wold undoubtedly guilt me into saying "the answer is Jesus"....but what if we don't believe in Jesus....what's left for the "rest of us"?To me the answer is simple....it's about finally having some time to do the things that are really important that the rest of the year doesn't afford us the leisurely time to do so.  For some it may mean pursuing their life's true passion, having the time to finish a painting, finally getting to try that new recipe....for me it's finally having the time to sit with my family and enjoy their unhurried presence for a few weeks.  And here's where the consumerist thing comes out to play.  If it means we go wild boxing day shopping then so be it.  If it means I need to get up early because my family wants to be in church, then I'll go.  Because that's what Christmas and/or the holidays is about....it's not about buying or not buying.  It's about doing things that normally people won't let you do just because it makes you happy....or doing something that you don't want to do....just because it makes the people you love happy....in short, that's why we should have Christmas all year....because we should always do whatever we love and because we should always do things for the people we love....that's my peace anyway. Merry Christmas, happy holidays, whatever makes you happy xo

So that feeling doesn't go away.

So yesterday I ran into my ex.  

I saw him first and pretended like I didn't and hoped that he wouldn't approach me....but he did.  I suppose he felt like it was pressing to ask me "did you get my text"....yeah, I did, I just didn't feel inclined to respond.  Here's where I apologize for being a bitch....but I don't feel like I owe him anything.  He asked me how I was.  I'm terrific, but because he was standing there I instantly felt like I wasn't...so it came out like a lie.  

That's the part that bothers me the most...the way I felt when he was there. Was this the way I always felt when I was with him?  When did I become so desensitized to the feeling of worthlessness and feeling generally like shit that I stuck around in that relationship for so long.

So the plan for today:  reinforce my self-worth by:

- exercising

- diving into my music

- reviving my passion by singing Strauss

- reminding myself I have the love of my wonderful family

- telling the people I love that I'm so glad for having them in my life

Long distance lovin' is hard.

The skies are grey,
It always seems to be this way when you're away
I don't think I'm being dramatic
Wouldn't you agree that it always rains when either of us goes away?
Maybe it's just me but I think even the skies agree
that we shouldn't ever have to go separate ways.
Why does it go that now we know
that together's what we should be...
The being apart is extra hard
like two pieces of the same broken heart
Full of love, full of each other
just separated from its' better half.

Changes, cutting my losses, moving on, but no regrets

It seems the last period of my life would be just too much to summarize in prose form...so let's go with a list....

• I have been sacrificing myself for a relationship which was no longer worth the sacrifice
• The person I loved had become someone else entirely...perhaps better for himself, but definitely not for me
• The person's idea of commitment was completely different than what we had come into the relationship with
• I couldn't be myself completely, I felt like he didn't really know me
• It was too much work for me to continually support him while I received nothing in return except that my problems were my own and that I needed to solve them myself
• After being unfaithful, he accused me of being jealous and not allowing him to have physical relations with other people and that my views of love and commitment are archaic, later I discovered he had been unfaithful again but didn't tell me....putting me at risk for STI's or HIV
• I have realized that after all this time where I most want to be is home...

That generally sums it up....

So fuck yeah I'm cutting my losses and moving on.  There was love. There were lessons.  We could've really been something but I've waited for you long enough to sort your shit out.  I'm just ready to be treated better.