For some reason I haven't been able to get to sleep or stay asleep for the last week or so. My mind hasn't been filled with worry about anything really. Nor have I been feeling particularly lonely. Two things which usually keep me up in the night. In fact, I have finally come to a point where I can be alone and not feel lonely at all...what is this strange state of happiness?! Because I'm a known glutton for punishment, I decided to fill my insomniac time by browsing old emails, chats and pictures. I'm realizing that the mind's ability to forget the past is amazing.
My good friends know that for me, a break-up usually involves a ritual. I cry intensely about it for about 20 minutes, call up my girls, get ridiculous at some dance place, wallow in absolute pity for about a week and then spend 8 months to a year getting over it and then finally round it all up by completely forgetting the guy ever existed....up till now it's worked pretty well for me. Unfortunately, with the advent of social networking, messaging etc etc. You can't really just delete a person from your life.
I don't know what compelled me, but I began reading through old conversations with former boyfriends/former could-have-but-never-happened-friends....I was surprised to find my reaction to all of these was regret. I always though I lived my life without regret....but I guess as I'm getting older, my wisdom is telling me that maybe there are things I should be regretting.....it's not that I question why I ever began these relationships/pseudo-relationships...it's more the fact that I fell so quickly and fell so hard and wasted so much of my time mourning the loss of it. If I knew what I knew now about love, I would have never wasted my time waiting for:
- you to put me before yourself
- you to stop using me
- your actions to match your words
- you to figure out if you really like me or not
- you to realize you'll never find another girl like me
- you to get the guts to ask me out
Instead, I wish I would've spent more time with my family, chosen friendship over my relationship at the time, and spent my time being happy instead of miserable.
I suppose in the end it's actulally being blissfully happy that causes one to regret....not that the relationships happened....but that the happiest moments--which were supposed to make the suffering worth it--weren't even really "happy" at all. At least not when it comes to how I am now, it hardly scratches the surface!
So what can I conclude?....this feeling of blissful happiness is to know that I have a wonderful family who really loves me, and friends who mean as much to me as family. Being truly in love--the kind where suffering goes away when you're together--is just the cherry on top. I think maybe now I can sleep a little better...
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPod Touch -
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